Hemingway and Gellhorn

If a biopic on Ernest Hemingway and Martha Gellhorn’s relationship includes a sex scene in the middle of a shelling, it cannot be deemed a complete failure. The HBO original movie that premiered last week, “Hemingway and Gellhorn” makes some of the right moves and has a bright cast, but even if you have an interest in these writers, the movie’s still merely passable.

Its heart is in the right place. By focusing on Martha Gellhorn, Hemingway’s third wife who was herself an accomplished writer, you’re telling the half of the story that ought to be told. At the breakout of the Spanish Civil War, Gellhorn meets Papa in Key West and accompanies him on the overseas assignment to Spain. She hooks up with Hemingway as a rival to the titan of letters, but as their romance sours, she eventually struggles to escape the titan’s shadow.

Nicole Kidman does a terrific job with Gellhorn’s maturation. Initially she’s a spitfire war correspondent merely in it to prove her machismo; as she witnesses wartime atrocities, she’s no longer drawn to conflict for the adrenaline rush but for the stories that need to be told. Consequently, Gellhorn finds her pissing matches with her famous lover to be less and less amusing.

I wouldn’t wish Hemingway on any woman, so Gellhorn’s understandably coming off the victim here. The movie is content to leave out her extramarital affair, among other blemishes, so some of that victimhood’s deliberately manufactured.

Fightin’ Round the World

It’s hard to make Hemingway into a caricature. I disliked his portrayal in Midnight in Paris only because he was the figure most lazily reduced to a collection of quotes, not because he was exaggerated. Having Hemingway randomly leap from his seat and shout “Who wants to fight?”– that’s not really an exaggeration.

Clive Owen’s not a charismatic actor, and likewise this is a disappointingly uncharismatic Hemingway. The pieces to Papa’s personality are there, from his grave sincerity to his boyishness to his shocking pettiness, but Owen can’t quite coherently resolve them.

Interspliced within the film is authentic black-and-white wartime footage. When a period movie incorporates old film like this, it’s normally sparing and between scenes. To accommodate these shots (which it uses a lot) Hemingway and Gellhorn drains its own film’s color for transitions.

It doesn’t work at all. Not only are these switches distractingly frequent and often pointless, the close-ups of Nicole Kidman and Clive Owen, no matter how grainy, aren’t fooling anyone as archival. And you can’t just insert them into iconic footage without the effect being laughable. What worked for Forrest Gump is pretty inadvisable here.

The last memorable bits to savor from this movie are the interesting supporting roles. Robert Duvall is a Soviet general, David Straithairn’s a great John Dos Passos, Peter Coyote shows up as my hero, the legendary editor Max Perkins, and is that filmmaker guy the drummer from Metallica? (He is.)

Is the casting silly in places? Sure. But that’s amusement I’ll take in a movie that’s otherwise underwhelming.

5 More Self-Help Books I Swear They’ll Adapt to Movies

So you complained that Hollywood had no more original ideas and was reduced to forever mining bestselling books for their stories. Did you think you’d see the day when they’d start pulling stories from books that… aren’t even stories?

Clearly you’ve underestimated the film industry’s limits of desperation, because here comes What to Expect When You’re Expecting, a romantic comedy “inspired” by the #1 pregnancy reference guide, and Think Like a Man, “inspired” by Steve Harvey’s dating advice book. Each film will feature an all-new, cliché-ridden rom-com plot filled with hilarious gender-driven misunderstandings and attitudinal arm folding.

They have precedent, you know: 2009′s He’s Just Not That Into You was an adaptation of a self-help book. Though notably featuring beautiful people who have never in their lives experienced the problem suggested by its title, HJNTIY was a box-office success raking in nearly $100 million.

Oh, to be in the conference room for that epiphany, when movie producers cheered, hugged, and brushed away each other’s happy tears when someone suggested that all they really need from a popular book is the title. In that spirit, I’m pitching ideas for five new films “inspired” by classic works of self-help, faithfulness be damned.

Who Moved My Cheese?

Antonio Banderas stars as Federico Turner, an ex-FBI agent who is about to play a deadly game of survival.

After he is drugged at his retirement party, Turner awakens in the center of a massive labyrinth, and is now the plaything of the faceless sociopath known only as The Researcher (Willem Dafoe). Armed only with a crossbow and his wits, Turner must navigate the lethal maze, but the clock is already ticking…

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

Can a serial killer fall in love? Tim Burton directs Johnny Depp in this macabre comedy about a murderous taxidermist, Archibald Sniesenkopf, who stuffs his victims with styrofoam peanuts and secretly displays them in various embraces of sensuous longing. Enter Madeline Briars (Anne Hathaway) with her dearly departed min pin, and Archibald is smitten. What ensues is an earth-shaking dilemma between love and art: should Archibald romance the lovely ingenue, or shall he preserve her pale beauty in his attic gallery for all time? Loosely based upon Stephen R. Covey’s landmark bestseller.

The 5 Love Languages

Keira Knightley, Ryan Reynolds, Scarlett Johansen, Channing Tatum, Queen Latifah, Ashton Kutcher, Sarah Jessica Parker, Jamie Foxx, Emma Stone, Mark Ruffalo, Kristin Bell, Zac Efron, Halle Berry, Kevin Hart, Natalie Portman, Rob Pattinson, Maya Rudolph, Matthew McConaughey, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jake Gyllenhaal, Kate Winslet, Michael Cera, Taylor Swift, Aaron Eckhart, Kate Beckinsale, Nathan Fillion, Emma Thompson, Paul Bettany, Madonna, James Franco, Blake Lively, Daniel Craig, Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Lautner, Miley Cyrus, Justin Timberlake, Jennifer Lopez, Blair Underwood, Minka Kelly, Paul Rudd, Emily Blunt, Jonah Hill, Tina Fey, John Krasinski, Rachel McAdams, Bradley Cooper, Kristin Wiig, Josh Duhamel, Betty White, and Tim Tebow are all in this movie.

Natural Cures “They” Don’t Want You to Know About

In the tradition of Alfred Hitchcock comes this adrenaline-pumping thrillride directed by Michael Bay and produced by the book’s bestselling author. Family man and honest infomercial entrepreneur Kevin Trudeau (George Clooney) uncovers a conspiracy of epic proportions: a shadowy cabal of “medical experts” known as T.H.E.Y. is concealing the cures for cancer, AIDS, herpes, and other diseases from the American public for pharmaceutical profit. Trudeau publishes his revelations, and T.H.E.Y. retaliates. Now framed for fraud and the murders of his three porn-star mistresses, Trudeau is on the run from the FBI, FDA, FTC, and the Knights Templar in a race to clear his name and topple the empire of “doctors” plotting to enslave America.

Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

Jason Segel is an astronaut who– oh, this son of a bitch writes itself.

 

Of course, even Hollywood might shy away from adapting more self-help books if their predecessors fail to make money, so if you want these films to see the light of day, by all means, go see What To Expect When You’re Expecting and Think Like a Man.

But remember– conventional wisdom says the book is always better, so in every case, refrain from reading first. Wouldn’t want to ruin the movie, would you?

8 Worst Hunger Games “Comparisons”

First of all, there will be no more associating The Hunger Games books with Twilight. I don’t want it, you don’t want it, and I guarantee Suzanne Collins doesn’t want any more of it, either. That last post was to get something out of my system.

Now, whenever someone describes The Hunger Games to you, they inevitably use a distinct chain of references. Some examples.

“At different times, the novel reminded me of everything from the myth of Theseus and Shirley Jackson’s “The Lottery” to Stephen King’s “The Running Man” and the reality-TV show ‘Survivor.’”  Christian Science Monitor

“… readers of Battle Royale (by Koushun Takami), The Running Man, or The Long Walk (those latter two by some guy named Bachman) will quickly realize they have visited these TV badlands before.” Stephen King for Entertainment Weekly


“Fahrenheit 451, The Giver, The House of the Scorpion—and now, following a long tradition of Brave New WorldsThe Hunger Games… Rather less 1984 and rather more Death Race 2000.” – Publishers Weekly

You learn, ultimately, that people have read and watched lots of things. But why stop there? Surely we haven’t run out of gas in describing the various ways this book reads. Let me try a few.

“The Hunger Games is like a cross between…

1. Hatchet and American Gladiators

2. Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret and Apocalypto

3. The TV show Lost and The Taming of the Shrew

4. The Princess Diaries and Fallout 3

5. Rambo II and a Lifetime Channel original movie

6. Heart of Darkness and High School Musical

7. The Catcher in the Rye and Kill Bill: Vol. 1

8. The Old Testament and Nickelodeon GUTS

Goodness me, so many influences! In case you’ve not read The Hunger Games, that should help, shouldn’t it? And not confuse the original story at all? You’re welcome.

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